Sunday, July 17, 2011

A trip to the osteopath...

Today we're going to talk about my ass.

Stay with me on this one.

See, you may think I'm an indestructible fist pumping God of destruction, but you'd only be halfway right. Bits of me get injured, damaged and occasionally fall off like everyone else.

A month or so ago, I made the horrible mistake of sleeping on an airbed for a few nights placed on a hard laminate floor.

Never sleep on an airbed placed on a hard laminate floor.

I woke up at about 2AM, wondering why my body was in a "V" shape. Turns out the airbed had decided to lose some air, but only at the point where my sexy behind was located. As a result, my ass was squished onto the floor, with all of my body weight pressing down on it from both raised ends, cartoon style, into the wood for something like six or seven hours.

I have no idea how I didn't wake up sooner.

Anyway, I was okay for a few days and then OH GOD THE PAIN.

Couldn't sit down, much less walk. And then it stuck around. You know the bone section, the pointy one, that sits directly under the muscle of your left butt cheek? OBSCENE AMOUNTS OF PAIN. Every time something pressed it, even slightly, it felt like some nobby bump of jangling nerve endings being kicked in the face with a brick. Couldn't sit on any surface whether hard or soft, lying down made it numb and gave me backpain further up, standing at the PC? Yeah, not a good idea unless you wanted to walk around like Quasimodo for the rest of your life.

Imagine there was....something.....stuck between the muscle and the bone, except there was nothing physically there. Or the muscle was somehow ripped and the bone was sticking into it like glass.

Awesome! Or, you know, not.

This went on for weeks, including a trip to a nurse (which resulted in a comedy "no, you didn't need to drop your pants but thanks for the surprise" interlude) and a doctor visit which resulted in some totally useless cream to rub on.

NONE OF THIS WORKED AND THEN SOME.

Typically, I'd wake up with numbness, it'd go and I'd feel reasonably normal. Then the pain would slowly kick in, you kept adjusting how you were sitting and then you caused pain elsewhere because you were sitting like an idiot with all your body twisted out of alignment. Then walking around would cause pain to spread out from the sore point across your entire buttcheek, making the whole thing tender and then the groin pains and inside leg aches would begin.

By 8PM each night, you were eyeing up the skylight and wondering how many times you'd bounce on the way down.

I went and booked a trip to an osteopath, was met by a large Irish dude and then he proceeded to fold me up like a concertina and bend / snap / crack the life out of me. The worst part was when I was face down on his table: he bent my left leg in a direction I'm sure it isn't supposed to go, and then stuck his big stabby fingers directly into the sore butt muscle and KEPT ON STABBING. Then he started to push directly into it, and moved outwards while I wondered when this wonderful experience was going to end.

"You may find that hurt a bit". Yeah, no kidding. I was then taken to some wonderful place where every crunchy, bendy thing someone does to you is exactly what it must be like when Batman kicks your ass. Specifically the Frank Miller version.

He told me I might have had "bursitis", which is where a small blobby sac of fluid forms between the muscle and the bone, and can be a pain in the ass - oh ho ho - to get rid. However, if it had been this, I'd probably have shot through the roof when he did his stabby thing.

So in all probability, I have some deep muscle bruising / damage, which will take "some time" to fade away but likely isn't permanent. Exercising could actually make it worse, and he said it'd be some kind of minor miracle if his hands of death fixed the horrible "mangled nerve sensation on the butt bone" issue.

Well, I guess I used up my minor miracle quota for the month as - amazingly - the groin / leg tenderness is still there, but the butt pain?

ALL SYSTEMS GO. I can actually sit down again with no uncomfortable weirdness in the slightest. Given the amount of travel I'll be doing soon, I can't put into words how awesome this is (I thought I'd be lying down in aisles, or at least the overhead lockers).

Mr Stabby Fingers osteopath gets a +1 from me, and this concludes the strange and terrifying story of my ass. Thank you, and pic is related.

Myass
 

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